Ode to Nana for her birthday

It's a very special ladies birthday this sunday....a woman who impacted my life deeply for 22 1/2 years , who poured into me more than i was ever able to tell her...and I'm laying here tonight wishing she was going to be here to celebrate it with us. This past July my dear Nana went to be with Jesus, and really life has never been the same since for all of us who knew and loved her.
   Nana was a fighter and had been painfully fighting a very rare colon disease for the past few years.... she became frail and much weaker but she was never one to show it. She enjoyed life and had a passion for the people and things that she loved so much. traveling,shopping, eating, and the theatre were at the top of her list.  But things went south very quickly one July afternoon and she was taken into surgery to remove her colon. I remember talking to Nana the day before her surgery and we chatted and I could hear the fear in her voice; but I had confidence that everything would be fine and i was sure to tell her that over and over, and that i would be praying for her. We talked about all the different things we would do together after her surgery and all the lunch dates and shopping we would do.... But sadly, none of those things ever were able to come about.
      The Lord had other plans. A plan that even now seems hard to grasp, but I have a confident  peace ,in remembering His sovereignty...and reminding myself of who He is and always will be. You see, i have always been one to plan...i always like to feel like i have some type of control over any given situation. When times like this come up you are faced with the hard reality that really i was never in control of anything to begin with. Instead of all of mine and Nana's shopping trips coming about....I was now faced with the reality of her laying in the ICU clinging to her life. i remember that news hitting me like a brick, i couldn't breathe and it was all that i could do to not just completely loose it. I was at school at the time when all of this was going on, and looking back that was probably one of my saving graces. I was able to busy myself just enough to hold it together. on the way to school each morning i would turn up worship music up as loud as i could and i would just talk/cry to the Lord, its where i found my peace and still do. I finally got the courage one day to go visit Nana in the ICU....it was my first time seeing her since her surgery, i kept on being too scared to go, not wanting to see her in pain or not like her usual happy self. I didn't want that to be my last memory of her, if in fact the lord had decided to take her home. But one day i just had the feeling that it would be a good day to go, and my mom said she was looking good. I called phillip up and asked him if he would meet me at the hospital( praise the lord he was home during all of this). and we went and saw her. She was awake and was talking and was hilarious (she was high on meds for sure). she recognized both of us and talked to us for quite a while. I have such good memories from that visit, she was just so so funny. When phil and I were ready to leave I was hopeful that things were going to get better, but then she hugged me goodbye and i knew right then and there that Nana was leaving me. I hugged her quickly and told her that i loved her ( i didn't want her to see me crying), but she pulled me back in closer and squeezed me tighter ,looked me in the eye and told me she loved me again. In that moment i felt her love for me more than i ever had in my 22 years of life with her. her sweet eyes on the verge of tears herself said it all . She then looked at phillip, held his hand and told him to take good care of me. we walked out and that was the last time i saw her.

    Loosing my Nana was and has been one of the hardest things i have ever had to go through. In my almost 23 years of life, she was the first extremely close person to me, to have passed away. As time passes it gets a little bit easier, but some days pain still feels like it just happened yesterday. Though,  I have a sweet joy inside knowing that she is at peace and isn't hurting anymore, but selfishly i want her here with me. and Psh i am a little jealous that she is face to face with the Lord right now...how awesome is that. I also have peace in reminding myself of the Goodness of God...that his ways are BEST even when my finite mind cannot see it. I know his character, and i know his plan for me and all those i love far outweighs any plan i could ever conceive on my own. I'm so thankful for his spirit that reminds me daily of those things, thankful that he dwells in me and is growing me into the woman he has  called me to be, even in the toughest of circumstances. thankful that i can be messy and weepy and yet he picks me up and gives me the strength to just keep going with joy. Thankful that he doesnt ask me to have all the answers, but just calls me to trust him through it. I am thankful for Nana and for the life i was able to spend with her even if it was for such a short time. I'm thankful for all her wisdom, and stories and adventures we shared. Im thankful for the way she loved me and was such a part of my life even when she never had to be. We love you Nana and wish you were here to celebrate with us! But i know where you are and its hard to be sad for too long when i know you get to celebrate with Jesus this year!